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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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But then, bam! My phone buzzes. It’s my mom. She’s like, “You forgot to pick up the groceries!” Ugh, classic me. I’m runnin’ around like a headless chicken, tryin’ to finish up before I dash to the store. I’m thinkin’ about the Albert Heijn on the Molenweg. It’s always packed, but I gotta go.

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